Well, it truly is hard to believe it’s already been a year since Rudy passed away. And now as we approach Halloween, this will be the second one without him (this pic was taken 2 years ago today at a halloween party). I guess I made it through all the firsts, and now it’s time to move on into the realm of all the seconds.
But as I reflect on this past year, and upon how me, and my life have changed, oh how I wonder how i even made it through, let alone survived. Grief is just so complex, unique, powerful, and unpredictable.
Such as, I remember asking so many questions. Questions like, what’s next? What am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to feel? What is life suppose to look like for me now? Who am I? or better yet, who am I suppose to be? What is my purpose now? Just so many questions, with little to no immediate answers to ease the initial sting of it all. And if I had to use one word to describe my immediate state of being at the time grief hit me, it would have to be “lost”.
Yes, looking back now, I was just so lost, and desiring so desperately for someone to please clarify this condition that I was so quickly thrust into, called grief. And all I truly wanted was for someone to please give me a plan, a road map, GPS, just give me something . . . .
But all I seemed to get were answers that included the concept of grief being a process. That it looks different for everyone. That I was going to have to do whatever was “right” for me. Well, that didn’t really help much, as I didn’t have any idea as to what “right for me” was suppose to be, let alone what it was suppose to look like, or feel like.
But as I look back now, what I have discovered at least up to this point, is that just making it through the first year is good enough. And that the process of grief is not about right or wrong. It’s about experiencing a loss, and having to somehow live through that loss, in order to make it to the other side. And what that other side is suppose to look like, I don’t even know. But what I do know, is that hopefully the experience of it all will one day, allow me to use it for a greater good, with a greater purpose.
But until then, I am working towards embracing my grief as something that extends beyond the capacity of complete understanding. For there really is no substance to it. Grief just is. It is like a “state of being”, or maybe even a “state of brokenness”. A brokenness that has the capacity to run so deep at times, that it can almost become paralyzing. Where each day is just so different from the next. Like a roller coaster filled with ups and downs, and so much more in between.
Maybe this could even be the reason why no time frame is given for how long grief is suppose to last. It’s just a day by day, one day at a time thing. But what does seem to be necessary, is first, having a loving relationship with God. And for me, my faith and my belief in God has truly been a life saver (I have spent countless hours alone in my house, with just me and God). And then second, family and friends. Being surrounded and encouraged by people who are able to provide love and support through out the process of grief is just as crucial. For although grief is a process, it is not one that anyone ought to have to travel through in silence or alone. Grief truly requires the love and support of others, no matter how long the process.
But for now, to everyone who helped me make it through my first year, thank you. Thank you for your unconditional love and support. It has been and will continue to be ever so appreciated, more than words could ever adequately express. And although I may not know exactly what lies ahead for year two, I am looking forward to continuing to put one foot in front of the other, so that in a healthy way, I am able to transition out of a state of brokenness, and begin living in a state of healing.
~ To Be a Widow