Well, it has definitely been a while since I have blogged concerning my journey as a widow. And now it is just 3 weeks away from the 1 year mark since my husband Rudy took his last breath. It truly is hard to believe that it has already been almost a year. Time surely does fly by, and stops for no one.
But over these last few weeks there is just so much that I have been reflecting on. Such as, there truly is no instruction manual on how to be a widow (although I have spent much time and energy, not to mention countless hours, trying to find one, define one, or at least figure one out). I mean, one would think with all the technology and knowledge that is out there today, there surely would be a book out there, maybe even one called “Widow for dummies”. I mean, I truly wanted (actually needed) some kind of direction, guidance, and answers. But to no avail, there wasn’t any simple one out there. At least not that I could find, see, accept, or trust enough to use and/or embrace.
And now, as I have started looking back on this last year, I am coming to realize just how far out in the forest, the wilderness, and sometimes even the desert, I have been. I mean maybe I was in one of the 5 stages of grief, I don’t know. And to be honest, I really don’t care. Having knowledge of the five stages of grief in no way prepared me for the journey that i was going to have to embark on as a widow (and let’s be clear, this was definitely not the kind of journey I ever wanted to be on. So maybe i was a little (ok maybe a lot) defiant about it all).
So many things would just race through my mind in the forms of questions. Such as, someone please tell me how am I suppose to feel? Or, someone please tell be what am I suppose to do? What is right and what is wrong, because I surely didn’t know the answer, but I surely wanted to know. I really wanted to know how to be a widow, because my entire world turned upside down that moment he took his last breath. And I don’t know about other widows, but I know for myself, my entire purpose was focused upon my husband, his illness, and his care. So when he passed away, so did his illness and his care, and well, you can probably guess what that then meant. Yup, you guessed it, my purpose instantly ceased to exist as well. I mean what was I to focus on now???
And so from that moment on, I constantly was wondering what life was to look like for me without him. Everything had just changed so quickly, and I mean everything changed. And as the days and weeks went by, I found myself often times questioning my friendships, my profession, and even sanity.
And if you were to ask me now how I have managed to get this far, I would honestly say, outside of the grace of God, I truly don’t know. Because many days I wanted to sell everything and run away. But instead I have just kept pressing on with the hope and the belief that it will get better. And that no matter how lost, how alone, how angry, or how sad I have been, I have some how always seemed to hold on to the fact, that Jesus loves me, and that He desires the best for me, and that He will wander with me for as long as I wander, and will lead me out of the wilderness, the forest, and the desert, when I am ready to let Him lead me out. And I can finally say, in all honesty, I am ready!
So where am I at now with all of this? Well, I’d like to say that I know exactly, but I don’t. But what I do know, is that I am tired and I am exhausted, and I am ready to take (which I have already begun) the necessary steps that will place me on the path towards healing. A path that I know He is in charge of, and will lead me and guide me through, so that I may begin experiencing a new kind of freedom.
To Be a Widow ~