Everything Changes

picIt’s been a while since I have blogged. But one thing that is becoming ever so clear, is that as a widow, everything changes. Everything about the life I once knew is not only different and new, but it is overwhelmingly uncomfortable, and over the top more difficult of a path than I have ever traveled.

It is like not only have I been left with a hole deep within my heart, but it has also left an emptiness within, that goes way beyond what words could ever adequately describe. And oh yes, I know I have God, and I know God loves me. And I know He doesn’t give His children more than what they can handle. And I know His joy is my strength, and He will see me through.

But there lies yet before me, a small little voice that is continuously tapping me on the shoulder and whispering in my ear, reminding me that I am human, and that my heart still hurts. So what is a 47 year old widow to do?  Well, I look at the world around me, in hopes that I may find some kind of relief from this broken heart of mine.

But at the end of the day, I often times still find myself feeling very much lost and alone. Lost with who I am, what I am to do, what and how much I am to share, and alone with who and how much, I am to share it all with. And so in response to all of this uncertainty,  I continue to smile,  nod, and tell those around me that life is good, and that I am fine.

But trust me when I say, time doesn’t necessarily lessen the pain, it only increases the distance from the moment that it all began. And I really don’t know, or maybe don’t even understand, how others have landed on the healing side of something such as this. But I do trust in an all loving God, and believe that He, in His own timing, is leading me to that place as well.

To Be a Widow

One thought on “Everything Changes

  1. Jennifer – I’m reading a book called
    God on Mute, The Silence of Unanswered Prayer”! I read your blog earlier this morning and started reading this book late this afternoon. I found a few comments he made I’d like to share with you.
    ” Although more than half of the Psalms are laments to God, the vast majority of our contemporary worship songs are celebratory in tone (musically as well as lyrically) leaving little space for the expression of our deepest anxieties. I just conducted a little analysis of the lyrical content of the modern Salter (the official top 50 contemporary worship songs) being used in American and British churches at the time of this writing. I discovered that only two of these 50 songs mention the reality of human suffering, and not a single one of them express any doubt! No matter what Bono says the words of Psalm 89 would not work well in a context of congregational singing and anyway even when we’re hurting, it is still appropriate to praise God. Yes it is important that we learn to lament. Jesus himself was overwhelmed with sorrow, wrestled and cried out to God, begged for another plan, and allowed his friends to see that this was how he felt. Five days earlier, his shoulders had slumped, his eyes had filled with tears, and he had mourned for Jerusalem while the crowds around him partied and praised.
    Lamenting is more than a technique for venting emotion. It is one of the fruits of a deepening spiritual life that has learned to stand naked before God without shame or pretense. In fact, long before Gethsemane Jesus himself had pronounced that those who mourn are blessed (see Matthew 5:4). And implicit in this statement is that those who do not mourn will not become comforted and those who do not face the endings will not receive the beginning’s.” Honest lament can express a vibrant faith; one that has learned to embrace life’s hardships as well as it’s joy and to lift everything – – everything – – to the Father in prayer. As the author Richard Foster says of the lament songs, “they give us permission to shake our fist at God one moment and break into doxology the next.”

    I wanted to share this because even our Christian culture doesn’t give us much time to grieve before they expect us to “move on”! God gives you permission to grieve — He did so Himself!” And you should not be led to feel that you are expected to “be fine!” Forgive anyone who has — they probably haven’t experienced a significant loss personally!


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